Gästeboard » h. They all do actually — Jo

As a die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan, certainly Id like to ease into a 5-year, 40-million dollar deal with my boys in purple (though blue better complements my skin tone). The club has a need at starting left tackle — with Eugene Monroe potentially on the move — and the entire offensive line is in disarray. Still, I tell myself, Ive got to stay open to possibilities. So Ive hired an agent. He keeps insisting hes not the type of agent Im seeking, and really wants me to check out a fully furnished 2-bedroom condo he wont stop talking about. His name is Gary Maguire and theres just something exciting about him. Maybe its the crazy look in his eyes. Maybe its that he keeps repeating "help me, help you". Whatever it is, he really gets me: Maguire: You dont look like an NFL player.Gallay: I get that a lot.Maguire: Not sure youre even muscular enough to be an NFL fan.Gallay: Im going to put my clothes back on.Maguire: Shouldnt you declare for the draft first—not free agency?Gallay: Theres too much running at the Scouting Combine. Not my strong suit.Maguire: So how am I going to pitch you to NFL front offices? What are your skills?Gallay: Im tenacious. Im focused. I cant catch a football, but I can clumsily swat at other people playing football. My wife says Im in the way a lot, so I plan on using that to my advantage. Im also dangerously delusional. (I hand him a doctors note.)Maguire: Fine. Ive seen more done with less. Lets talk staging. After discussing mortgage pre-approval for some reason, he and I come up with a plan. He explains to me how most NFL offensive linemen are well over six feet tall, roughly 300-350 pounds, a decade younger than me, and likely had a successful college career followed by some prior success in the NFL. I explain to him that Im not like other people. We settle on agreeing Im a maverick and get to work. "First, you need to put on 165 pounds." I tell him no problem, I did it once, I can do it again. He advises me Ill have to do it in under 35 years this time. Ideally hed like me to hit the target weight by mid-afternoon. Im on it, I holler, through large bites of tofurkey. He stops me as I head towards the bathroom, reminding me I cant afford to lose any weight today. "Next, you need to grow five inches, possibly seven." I explain to him that my whole allure is quarterbacks will have no problem seeing over top of me. Of the other significant O-line free agents, Branden Albert is 65. So is Eugene Monroe. And Rodger Saffold. Jared Veldheer is 68! My shortness and poor posture is EXACTLY how Im gonna differentiate myself from those terrifying brutes! Maguire is unconvinced, so I grudgingly step into the medieval stretching machine he found on Kijiji. It smells of pine wood and suffering, which Im told is exactly what Vince Lombardis station wagon smelled like. "Your hands are too small. Left tackles have huge mitts." Thats the least of my worries, I explain, as I wrap 50 yards of tape to my left hand. Well just tell coaches I have a sprained thumb and I should be better in 2-4 years. Everyone in the NFL is nursing an injury. Shows Im tough. "What about your embarrassing lack of football knowledge and acumen? You just called a touchdown a Pass-The-Liney-Scorey." Ill give it to Maguire, hes asking all the right questions. I explain how I consume 8 hours of NFL Network every day, a claim which seems to impress him. Also, Im able to name four other offensive linemen, none of them John Madden, which is more than 98% of football fans. (To be fair, since nobody knows their names, Maguire cant verify if Richie Incognito is an actual human being.) "Last thing. What do we do about your, um, advanced age?" No problem, I tell him. Im going to change my name to Stanislav Gomez, a young Cuban defector. (I figure if Oscar Isaac, a multi-talented Cuban-Guatemalan, can play a spot-on pasty neurotic Jew in Inside Llewyn Davis, surely I can do the opposite.) We both nod in unison, followed by an enthusiastic slow clap. Time to show me the money, Maguire. He advises me to not say anything else until Ive contacted a copyright attorney. And here we are, Tuesday, March 11, the opening salvo for NFL free agency. I see that Alterraun Verner my fellow hot commodity free agent has been tweeting bible verses to me (and all his followers) for the past several hours. My Verner Mountain Dog, what a joker! Gosh, I hope we land on the same team. Anyway, I better tweet him back before he gets worried. Also, I better get some rest (Im super fat now). Whatever happens, Im not worried. Its like my dad has always told me, worst comes to worst you fall back on your education. Thank goodness I got that Division I degree in sports anthropology. (Maguire knows a guy who knows a guy who is gonna get me a diploma.) Gonna be a big year. Gallays Poll #2 Which situation would be the best fit for Gallay? a) A multi-year deal with his favourite organization, the Baltimore Ravens (said every Steeler fan).b) Drawing five-pointed stars hoping the Devil shows up offering a deal.c) Pulling out of free agency until 2015 to realize all his goals in intramural soccer baseball.d) Discussing his dosage level with a trained professional. Cheap Air Max 97 All Black China .C. -- The Carolina Hurricanes used a strong third period to extend their winning streak to three games. Cheap Air Max 97 Rose China . -- The Toronto Maple Leafs are tightening the race for second place in the Atlantic Division. http://www.cheapairmax97fromchina.com/cheap-air-max-97-red-china/ .Connor Graham, Alex Lintuniemi and Sam Studnicka also scored for Ottawa (11-8-2). Liam Herbst made 21 saves for the win.Brendan Lemieux had both of Barries (10-10-2) goals. Cheap Air Max 97 Pink China . Hoefl-Rieschs exit — from the downhill course into safety nets, then airlifted from the slope by helicopter — left Anna Fenninger of Austria favourite to win her first giant crystal trophy one month after becoming an Olympic champion. Cheap Air Max 97 Gold China . A lovely summer day in England with abundant sunshine and minimal wind allowed him to attack Royal Liverpool. Hey baby holla at me!! Dinner at giorgios at 930pm @rihanna???? — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 22, 2014 SOURCES: Rihanna is considering JOEL EMBIIDs offer — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 22, 2014 RENDEZ VOUS tonight ( thats actually French words) I bet she will love it when I speak french. They all do actually — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 22, 2014There is no confirmation that the date is actually happening, but that didnt stop Embiid from getting dressed up. Fresh cut..... Getting ready for dinner http://t.co/NNIfKyZQzx — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 23, 2014 Almost 930...... Tonight is gonna fun pic.twitter.com/UoSB7AbRbf — Joel-Hans Embbiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 23, 2014 Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?Take it, take it baby, baby Take it, take it; love me — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 23, 2014 Favorite song — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 23, 2014Then Embiid went to the restaurant.dddddddddddd This server has no chill. All I want is a shirley temple — Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 23, 2014But this is where the Twitter trail went cold. Does that mean Rihanna showed up? Well have to just wait to find out. No matter what happens, Embiid is clearly a Twitter all-star already. And if things dont work, I think Taylor Swift is single. ' ' '